Eating, Praying, and Loving From Home

How To Have A Journey Of Self-Discovery On A Budget

By Dr Sylvia Gearing

With the release of the movie, “Eat. Pray. Love.” this past weekend, millions of Americans witnessed the journey of a woman’s self-discovery through the countries of Italy, India, and Indonesia. But in this tough economy, not everyone can spend a year living, laughing, and loving abroad. Not to fret – if you’re looking for a quest akin to Elizabeth Gilbert’s amazing saga, there’s plenty you can accomplish right here at home.

Remember that the Point of the Quest is to Find Yourself, Your Beliefs and Your Soul Mate

FINDING YOURSELF THROUGH PHYSICAL PLEASURES:

Your body is the temple of your soul and is extremely important in any journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. The body, your center for “worldly pleasures,” is stimulated by the five major physical senses – taste, touch, sight, smell, and sound.

Taste and Pleasurable Eating:

Did you know that we have over 10,000 taste buds, but taste is the weakest of the senses? In an age of fast food and 80-hour workweeks, we don’t take the time to really savor our food.

Here’s How to Use Taste:

• Slow down, sit down and calm down when you eat!
• Eating should be a relaxing, sumptuous and even sensuous experience.
• Try fresh foods from farmers markets or preparing your own food from simple, international recipes. You don’t have to be a gourmet chef to cook gourmet food!

Touch and Tactile Experiences:

Touch is an undervalued sense but it’s extremely important to pleasure.

Here’s How to Use Touch:

• Buy Clothing: Sensual lingerie, soft, flowing clothing, silky bed sheets, plush throws, and plump pillows are comforting and enticing.
• Pet The Dog: Don’t forget to cuddle up to your cat or dog—they are great sources of nurturing.
• Get A Massage: Nothing relaxes people more than being touched. Hire an expert and indulge yourself.

Sight and Visual Experiences:

Have you ever been to a place that just clicked with your sense of style? Maybe the Coliseum or your childhood home, visual beauty is enchanting for all of us. Surround yourself with beautiful colors, textures and arrangements.

Here’s How to Use Sight:

• Take the Time to Notice: Nurturing visual experiences are everywhere—a sunset, a stunning candle in your bedroom, a gracious moonlit night, the drape of a towel on a chair, or even the colors of your favorite flowers.
• Take the Time to See: All of your world can be visually savored if you just take the time to notice and acknowledge the beauty right in front of you.
• Bring Beauty To You: Take some time and assemble your personal list of beauty—candles, soaps, china, crystal, pictures of travel destinations, favorite pieces of art, pictures of your friends and family, flowers, etc.

Sense of Smell and Aromas:

Smell is the number one sense tied to memory and it really makes an impression – whether it’s the sweet scent of your mother’s cookies in the oven or the smell of cedar burning on a cold night.

Here’s How to Use Smell:

• Burn lightly scented candles for your meals, your relaxation time and “just because.”
• Bring highly fragrant flowers to your office
• Use your own special perfume or cologne as your personal scent signature.

Hearing and Sound:

Pleasurable sounds are stimulating for your mind. Brain scans show that music—in particular—stimulates certain pleasure areas of the brain and lowers anxiety.

Here’s How to Use Sound:

• Relax or meditate to natural sounds like the ocean tide or thunderstorms.
• Listen to music all the time, whether it’s Beethoven or Lady Gaga. Music enhances any ordinary experience – whether it’s cleaning the house, talking to your friends or working out.
• Sing loudly. Anxiety diminishes enormously when we’re belting out our favorite tunes.

FINDING YOUR BELIEFS THROUGH SPIRITUAL PRACTICES:

Spirituality asks the most important questions about life—why we’re here, why things happen, and where God is in all of this. Spiritual practice, irrespective of which religion you use, nurtures the most of important parts of ourselves—our minds, our hearts and our souls.

Here’s How to Enhance Your Spiritual Self:

Stillness and Thought:

An essential first step is mastery of some sort of meditation or self-reflection – whether it be through prayer, meditation techniques, long thoughtful walks, centering yoga, deep breathing exercises, or even just quiet time! Shut off your cell phone, exit your e-mail, and close your laptop for even an hour a day and ground yourself with one of these practices.

Attend to the Now:

Be present in every single moment of your life and live in the now – I call this “mindfulness.” This may sound a little “Zen” of me, but it really works. Give your anxiety a break, and suspend your thoughts while you focus on what is right in front of you. Combine the mindfulness mindset with the above steps for stillness and meditation for a real “one-two” punch of spirituality.

The Sound of Silence:

Silence leads to self-discovery and to understanding someone else. Silence lets you think effectively. Silence allows the world to pour into you while you contemplate, rather than react, to events. It is the elixir of creativity and perspective.

Gratitude and Reverence:

Experience your life with a true sense of gratitude and reverence for the things around you – whether it’s for your kids, your partner, your job or for the many blessings in your life. Viewing life through the lens of gratitude leads to higher levels of optimism, hope, and plain old happiness.

Acts of Altruism:

Try doing something fun and then try doing something altruistic. Studies show that you will remember your acts of altruism longer and more fondly than the “fun times.” In fact, selfless giving to others can even make you happier over the long haul.

FINDING YOUR SOUL MATE:

Soul mates come in different packages—a sister, a best friend, or a lover. Now, with your physical and spiritual sides in balance, you’re ready to share your world with someone else in an effective, intelligent way. By balancing your physical and the spiritual selves, you’re more discerning, less needy with others and more perceptive about what you need from anyone that walks in and out of your life.

Your combination of the worldly and the spiritual perspectives prepares you to define a relationship on both shared and individual terms. You have to nurture your physical self and embrace your spiritual self to fully experience and love another person.

Here’s How to Find Your Soul Mate:

Maintain Boundaries!:

Elizabeth Gilbert observed (rather wryly) that as she visited the ninth generation medicine man in Bali, she didn’t want to ask him about the meaning of life or what happens after we die. Instead, all she could think to ask about were her “boy troubles.” A common misstep is to let our relationships carry us away, and we end up leaving ourselves behind! Define yourself as an individual first—both physically and spiritually before you step into a relationship!

Shared Terms:

Women are so programmed all our lives to orbit around the needs of others—“accept me and I will do anything for you!” That kind of thinking was great two hundred years ago, but our new world requires self-sufficiency AND interdependence. We have to love him and leave him everyday to become ourselves in our jobs, our roles and our minds. But at the end of the day, we come home to him relaxed, refueled, and ready for intimacy.

The Golden Rule:

The great Greek philosophers taught that there was one golden rule for life – balance, in all things. Balance in our work, in our consumption, and in our relationships. Maintain the balance between worldly pleasure, divine transcendence, and experiencing and loving those around you.

Your feet on the ground, your heart fully opened and your soul finely tuned will lead to wise choices, magical moments, and mastery of the art of exuberant living.

SOURCES

Dr. Martin Seligman on TED.com

“Practicing Gratitude Can Increase Happiness by 25%” on PsyBlog (http://www.spring.org.uk/2007/09/practicing-gratitude-can-increase.php)

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How to Know if You’re Partner is Lying To You

Lying in America is sadly more common than ever with current studies estimating that we lie in about one fourth of our interactions with others. Most of these lies are committed to make our lives easier or to set boundaries with others. But the majority of Americans believe that you shouldn’t lie to your partner. Since trust is the foundation of love, lying can undermine even the best of love affairs. So why do all of us want to believe our partners so much?

Skin In The Game:

When you’re in a relationship, you want to believe your partner. You have “skin in the game” and have invested in this person. When he begins to lie, it's hard to believe that that he thinks so little of you. You don't want to believe that he would make up a lie, sell the lie to you and then watch while you believe it.

Unfortunately, most of us end up filling in the blanks of information a liar omits in an effort to see him in a positive light. If he is lying and we work to believe him, he is basically getting away with it.

Gender Differences in Lying:

One study found that men and women lie at the same rates but about different things. Women are more likely to lie to make you feel good while men rearrange the truth to make themselves look better.

Psychos And Sociopaths:

Remember that some people lie flawlessly and are difficult to catch due to their skill. Think Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. They are able to control their emotions, their thoughts, and their bodies simultaneously. The flip side of that coin is that these people are generally sociopaths or psychopaths—definitely not dating material!

Now, if your partner is lying to you – your decision about whether or not to stay ultimately comes down to how invested you are in the relationship.

Here are a few tips depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship:

Early Liars Never Change:

Lying early in the relationship is a big sign of dishonesty. If they’re already lying to you in the beginning, what makes you think they won’t lie to you later on? Pay attention and get out quickly if you hear 2-3 lies in the first few weeks of a relationship. Please don’t pretend that everything is just fine. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache later on.

Road To Recovery:

For long term relationships, you need to confront the problem immediately, set a limit, and establish a zero tolerance policy.

If there is a problem in the relationship, don’t linger—get help and resolve the issues. Most couples wait an average of six years before they seek help - and it's usually too late.

Lying Can Snowball:

Lying is a serious issue and tends to snowball. Rearranging the truth can get to be a bad habit for even the best of us. However, you can go from lying by omission to outright deceit. What seemed innocent in the beginning becomes a habit of pathological lying. Don’t let lying take over -- you won’t know what’s real and what’s a lie.

Source:

Paul Ekman’s excellent work on lying including Unmasking the Face and Emotions Revealed

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

ABC News, Study: We All Tell Lies Over the Phone, February 25, 2004

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How to Know if You’re Partner is Lying To You

Lying in America is sadly more common than ever with current studies estimating that we lie in about one fourth of our interactions with others. Most of these lies are committed to make our lives easier or to set boundaries with others. But the majority of Americans believe that you shouldn’t lie to your partner. Since trust is the foundation of love, lying can undermine even the best of love affairs. So why do all of us want to believe our partners so much?

Skin In The Game:

When you’re in a relationship, you want to believe your partner. You have “skin in the game” and have invested in this person. When he begins to lie, it's hard to believe that that he thinks so little of you. You don't want to believe that he would make up a lie, sell the lie to you and then watch while you believe it.

Unfortunately, most of us end up filling in the blanks of information a liar omits in an effort to see him in a positive light. If he is lying and we work to believe him, he is basically getting away with it.

Gender Differences in Lying:

One study found that men and women lie at the same rates but about different things. Women are more likely to lie to make you feel good while men rearrange the truth to make themselves look better.

Psychos And Sociopaths:

Remember that some people lie flawlessly and are difficult to catch due to their skill. Think Sharon Stone in Basic Instinct. They are able to control their emotions, their thoughts, and their bodies simultaneously. The flip side of that coin is that these people are generally sociopaths or psychopaths—definitely not dating material!

Now, if your partner is lying to you – your decision about whether or not to stay ultimately comes down to how invested you are in the relationship.

Here are a few tips depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship:

Early Liars Never Change:

Lying early in the relationship is a big sign of dishonesty. If they’re already lying to you in the beginning, what makes you think they won’t lie to you later on? Pay attention and get out quickly if you hear 2-3 lies in the first few weeks of a relationship. Please don’t pretend that everything is just fine. You’ll save yourself a lot of heartache later on.

Road To Recovery:

For long term relationships, you need to confront the problem immediately, set a limit, and establish a zero tolerance policy.

If there is a problem in the relationship, don’t linger—get help and resolve the issues. Most couples wait an average of six years before they seek help - and it's usually too late.

Lying Can Snowball:

Lying is a serious issue and tends to snowball. Rearranging the truth can get to be a bad habit for even the best of us. However, you can go from lying by omission to outright deceit. What seemed innocent in the beginning becomes a habit of pathological lying. Don’t let lying take over -- you won’t know what’s real and what’s a lie.

Source:

Paul Ekman’s excellent work on lying including Unmasking the Face and Emotions Revealed

The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker

ABC News, Study: We All Tell Lies Over the Phone, February 25, 2004

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Here's the CW 33 story Dr. Sylvia Gearing was featured on over the weekend!

Watch or read it here:

http://www.the33tv.com/news/kdaf-chelsea-clinton-lie-lying-lover-marriage-gearing-story,0,5381269.story

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By Dr. Sylvia Gearing

With the recent release of Angelina Jolie’s summer blockbuster “Salt,” Russian spies are all the rage these days. In fact, the news has been saturated with Russian spies in America – possibly subverting and sabotaging our country. Why is America fascinated with these female Russian spies?

Here is why these stories have legs:

Risk and Intrigue:

Americans are suckers for intrigue and risk. When danger calls, we enjoy that vicarious rush, without actually taking the risk ourselves. When we hear about spies and espionage, it catches people’s attention because it evokes images of the exotic and sexy -- things we may not experience in our own lives.

Beguiled by Beauty:

The attractiveness of these young women is another reason we are all following the story. Here’s the skinny on beauty:

Attractiveness and Influence:

The relationship between attractiveness and influence on others has been validated by literally thousands of studies. Like it or not, there is a beauty advantage. We just pay attention to pretty people.

Lasting Perceptions:

Throughout our lifetime, we endow attractive people with attributes of more intelligence and capability even when it's not warranted.

Predict People Based on Looks:

Most of us are making basic, uninformed guesses about people who are attractive. These theories about them are often unwarranted since pretty people are not smarter or harder working then the rest of us. But we see them that way anyway - often, with terrible outcomes.

So, if you’re wondering why you can’t turn on your TV without hearing about Russian spies this summer, look no further than the beauty and intrigue factors. It seems that Americans can’t get enough of beauty, especially when it’s dangerous.

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